I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I think your dad took our porno
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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