You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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