so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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