it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
