Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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