the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
