My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
