Swine flu. Run for my life!
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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