she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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