literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
