He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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