I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
