I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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