now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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