So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
