I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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