Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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