the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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