my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
