i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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