I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
