Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
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