I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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