I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
