2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
