mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
