The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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