oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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