my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
