dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
