I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The Olympian is in my bed
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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