Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
