Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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