Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
