Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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