fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think my fart just growled at me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
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