I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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