Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
