Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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