I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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