I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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