You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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