Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
