We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
