If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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