a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
