You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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