Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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