If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
