I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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